I haven’t written in here for a long while now, I was a bit unwell and then I had my exams so I was a little busy. I’m actually distracted right now, there’s this stupid mosquito that is following me around, it has already bitten me a few times. I’m looking out for it and I tried killing it twice but somehow it just doesn’t die!!
Anyways, mosquito problems aside, I think I’m facing some existential crisis these day, if guys are following my posts you might know that I’m in my final year degree and I don’t know what I should do next. I’m always confused, distracted and lazy, I’m really concerned about what is going to happen to me. I’m fighting with friends some times because I think they don’t care if exist or not, they had gone out to eat without me a few times and I fought with them cause I thought they did on purpose but the reason being completely different. I understood that later. We are good now, thank god. I get irritated so easily.
As I told you I had a little fever and before that I had a bad cold and a few months earlier I was down with dengue, so I don’t know how but my brain started tossing stupid ideas at me that I might have a bigger disease and these were the symptoms. I was terrified for a while, all kinds of possibilities from TB to Cancer was there on my mind. It took a while for me to get rid of these thoughts. It was just a bad winter and I had to suffer lot from the cold and fever.
Although the big question that bothers me every day is, what next? That is a question I try to avoid because honestly I don’t know. I wish I had Doremon with me so that I could just use a time machine to know answers to these questions, I know it sounds dumb but when you have feel like you want to bang your head against a wall when your brain throws this question at you, then fantasizing about time machines will look pretty awesome.
Everyone has this little voice inside that never stops talking, the one you beg to shut up while doing meditation and that never happens. I think it’s that little voice, the little me that throws this questions at me knowing that I don’t know the answer. I can hear it laugh after making me cry.
Sometimes I wonder why I was even born (is it the right way to say it? I was even born?) I wish I was a fly or a bird or even a mosquito. There would be no pressure about anything at all, I don’t think these flies and mosquitoes even have a brain. You just need to find some food for survival and then just flying around aimlessly. If someone swats you then you die, done. Life is over in a day or two. Then you might be born as a monkey 🐒 in some jungle, hopping around from tree to tree, there’s no aim in life except finding food when you are hungry, playing with your friends, swimming in rivers and all. That would be amazing but at same time, my mom says you are very lucky if you are just born as a human being, changing your life the way you want is in your hands. You have the amazing power to think that no other animal has on earth. When I’m depressed or sad the thoughts of being a fly sounds amazing but then I smile at the ridiculous idea. (I have theory about this fly and human being thing but I’m not going into that now.) I’m really thankful for this life and I want to make the most of it. I see people around me getting what they want in life, living like they want, becoming successful. All the things I want, I want to become, they already have. Life is so unfair.
I had heard a story when I was a kid, there was priest who was famous for helping people. Once when he was in a particular village, a rich business man and a banker comes to him to seek advice. The businessman says that even though he had a lot of money he didn’t have peace of mind and the banker man asks how to get richer.
The priest asks the banker to look at the ground and the business man to look at the sky.
After a week both of them return to the priest and tell him that his advice did not work.
The priest explains to the banker that he was already a rich guy because by looking down you realise that there are a lot of people who can not afford to even have 3 meals a day so the banker is better off than them if he is living a comfortable life. For the business man, looking up means that money can’t buy you peace because ultimately when you die you go up without anything.
This story is stuck with me since then, though the ultimate moral from this story is to stay satisfied with what you have, I think it helps me when I feel like life is unfair. I just look down and other than the thought that I’m better off than someone else, I see ants trying hide food, working hard and all. I think that’s what we should do. Work hard.
This just became so philosophical, I think it’s my mood. So I’m going to stop right now because I don’t want to scare you guys off. I got carried away and wrote some heavy stuff. And also a bit too long.
Tell me if you guys like it and I’m sorry if it was a bit too much.
P.s: I killed that mosquito!!!